True to the title,

the fat girl is gonna start confessing, instead of writing sappy lovey ordeals.
(I know, I haven't updated this in ages but meh, who cares, no one reads it anyway.)

I have been extremely depressed this past few days, even though I don't show it, I laugh and joke, but inside I am hurting. Everyone seems to have a say on one thing about me. My weight.

Over the past year actually, since 2009, I have been gaining weight. I mean, it's scary, I am already a big girl and now I just became a huge lard of fat. Everyone has been been telling me about it, this week.

My mom bough a meal supplement for me, telling me I need to cut down. My grandmother, told me, the night before that if I go to clubs, men would be afraid to approach me and run the other way due to my weight, she says I'd have a bad life because of it. All my friends are telling me about diets etc. Some random old dude was telling me some kinda diet plan. In public.

I am so embarrased. I mean, the man, was kinda drunk and I know he wasn't trying to insult me or embarass me but still... My friends, well when they tease me, it does bug me sometimes, but I let things pass. But my grandmother's comment hurt the most. It makes me feel ashamed of being myself.

It's just all too damn much in a week. It's so depressing.
I never had problems about myself. I am happy the way I am, I mean sure, I want to lose weight, but it was never a pressure. I know they mean well (friends,family etc) but please have a heart. I am only but human. I do feel pain.
I do know, I am fat. You don't think it hurts me when I see past pictures and seen how much weight I have gain? Unfortunately, I am a emotional eater and well, lately, it's just worse. I feel eating at this very moment but I am controlling myself.

I don't blame anyone but myself for my weight gain, for being fat. I lack the discipline and the will power.
People don't know, how it's like. I might laugh along when you make fun of my weight or my size but inside it hurts. You don't think I see the look on people's faces when they see me? Shock, disgust, mockery. They whisper to each other while they glance at me. Immature guys, laughing when I walk by. You don't think I know, what they're saying?
Everyday is a battle for me. Do you know how hard it is, when I walk with my friends, who are all petite and skinny, and I am like the Shamoo the Whale?

My friends go shopping, the stores they go into, don't stock my size, so I am forced to just watch and help them pick. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing that with my friends, but still I envy them.
Once when I was about 15 years old, I was in a store, and I was looking at a dress, the moment I touched it, just merely feeling the material, the sales lady came over and say " We don't have it in your size." Just like that. Can you imagine my pain?

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Obviously the person that came up with this don't actually know what he/she is saying.

I am sick of it, I am SICK of being the one that is left out, the last to be picked, laughed at, talked behind, be a mockery, crying and most of all I am SICK of being fat. I don't want to be skinny or whatever. I just want a healthy BMI.

This time, I am determined, I am gonna change my life around. I am going to CUT THE UNHAPPINESS in my life.
I am not doing this to fit into pretty clothes, get a man, look hot. I am doing this for ME. To be happy and healthy.
I just need a little support, a little push and a little understanding.

In the mean time, I am going to cry myself to bed wishing that the I could just forget everything.

Jo.